So, last week was a low one for me. I am having a hard time watching friends and clients go through draining divorces and all the attendant regrets, recriminations, if onlies, and should haves that go with that. That’s sounding way too selfish because whatever I feel about it, those involved feel a hundred times worse. Having been through it myself a few years ago I suppose it also triggers memories of bad times and a huge dose of empathy.
What’s even harder is seeing those who come out at age 50 with very little to show for long marriages and careers and a shared life. It makes the process so incredibly hard for those who find themselves literally starting all over again in their 40’s and 50’s. I have heard every permutation of how money issues causes gaping rifts in relationships as surely as sex does. It’s more than the dollar and cents – it comes down to dynamics and how each of us contributes to the subtle nuances in our interactions.
So, this week I am thinking about how to put my insight into helping the next generation – our children. Here’s what I think we need to tell both our girls AND our boys about being in a relationship and how to avoid the standard pitfalls.
Get Involved with the Big Decisions
Partner about to put your house up as security for their business or an investment? Find your voice and work it through together. Understand the risks. Weigh up the pros and cons. Be aware of what you are signing and what it means. It doesn’t imply you have the final say but many a good marriage has gone awry because of one person’s insistence on putting JOINT assets on the line for a risky proposition.
It won’t protect you from the consequences if you go ahead and things go bad but at least you will have had the conversation. Stand up and take some responsibility and make a stand if needs be. Just don’t be a victim and say you didn’t understand or didn’t know. No-one can force you to do something against your will and if they do then you would have to reassess that relationship in light of this behaviour.
Don’t Use Money as a Power Tool.
You know the story. The stay at home mum hides the latest purchases from her husband to avoid a scene. He buys golf clubs but whinges every time she comes home with a pair of shoes. Come on, people, what is this? 1955? Like it or not, marriage means you are an economic unit. Whether you work in or out of the home, earn money or not, each half of the partnership has a right to the family income and assets. That’s not me telling you - it’s the law!
This has boundaries of course. Decide on a spending limit that is reasonable to you both. If something is over that limit talk it over with each other. Other than that stop the power games and give each other some respect.
There is nothing so ugly as listening to someone say “She spent all the money I earned and she did nothing other than have lunches with her girlfriends”. No doubt at some point both parties were happy with the arrangement and if you weren’t then…SPEAK UP!
Play Your Part
If your family’s finances are under strain or you want things that cost money don’t sit on the sidelines and expect someone to provide it for you. Yes, having small children is hard work and it makes sense for someone to be the main carer for a time but there is always a way for you to play your part in helping out.
Being the main provider is a huge responsibility. It’s competitive, hard work and can be very stressful when there are more mouths to feed, house and clothe let alone all the consumerist aspirations we all take for granted in this western world.
Doing some paid work has many unseen side benefits in self-esteem and pride that makes keeping your foot in the door a great thing. Just don’t sit there being a prince or princess wondering why you aren’t keeping up with the Jones. You are meant to be a team and each person has a part to play. Some of us are lucky to marry someone who will happily pamper and spoil you all the way but…at what price and what happens if that person isn’t always there?
That’s it.
I am sure you can all have your say on whether I am being fair or not in making these comments. Every situation and relationship is unique. It’s a cliché to say we all have faults and make mistakes along the way, both personally and in our marriages. Our differing personalities make it hard for us all to act in the best possible way all the time.
But…if something is going to change then we all have to look to ourselves to make the necessary alterations. Small modifications in how we react and respond to people transform our relationships. If you take away anything from my ramblings, take that.